Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 - 3:12 a.m.
You disappointed me again tonight, along with the rest of them. Is that why you're always asking me if I'm mad at you? You keep on fucking up the way you do and I'm just going to have to teach you a lesson. I can take her away from you so fast you won't even know what pills or drugs you were on when it happened.
I'll do it to teach you a lesson, I'll do it because there are few things I'm sure of and this is one of them. I felt fire spurting out of your ego tonight when she pulled me over to her for a quick "you are amazing" kiss. I didn't dare look into your eyes. You looked confused all night. Why are you so anxious all the time? Is it that you're never satisfied with where you're at? Do you always want to be somewhere else, because I know how you feel.
Tonight I realized that there is no such thing as "close to perfect" anymore; maybe there never was. I was abandoned and left for seconds by the only two I considered close enough to family. For what? Painting? Sex? Painting I actually understand, there's a deadline, but sex? That is always around.
We got kicked out because of you and it wasn't even 2:30am. You're always saying "I'm sorry", then you laugh, then pass out. You can't handle the drugs you seem to love so much. After a while your girl will get fed up with being your babysitter. Don't lose a good thing. You will regret it.
Now it's 3:24am and I'm wired and stuck in front of this computer writing to keep my hands from going inside of me. I can't write all night you know, I don't have that much left.
