Tuesday, Aug. 08, 2006 - 1:44 p.m.
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I ate a chicken sandwich today. The chicken tasted like perfume. Maybe with the way I've been feeling lately it's the least that can happen to me.
I've tried finding reasons or excuses as to why I shouldn't be with him. Besdies the whole "but I've been gay all of my life" speech that doesn't seem to count anymore he treats me good and more importantly than anything else - he makes me laugh...all the time, even when I don't want to.
Okay, so he's younger than me, I've always dated them younger, he told me "I love you" first and it seems that he's quite taken by me as I am too. But I don't know what I'm trying to do.
I seem to enjoy him most when we're alone together in his room, wrapped up in each other like pretzels. When I'm not with him I'm cranky, and when we're with other people I tend to prefer my own space.
I've been trying to make sense of it all, I don't think I'm good girlfriend material, even though everyone says otherwise. They don't know what I know or even what I'm capable of. And the ones that do know that can give him warning signs won't. So how will he know what he's dealing with if I won't dare tell him.
Maybe if he was an sshole it would be soo much easier for me, but he's not. Why did I find myself a good guy? It makes the guilt process much harder.
It's sad that even though I love someone there's always and still that factor in me that gets bored. I bite my lip and play the role of the girlfriend because I don't know any better. I think it's too late and we're both really attached. Damnit.
